Parents Are Not The Enemy: How Student Pastors Can Equip Families Instead of Replacing Them

It’s Wednesday night. The room is filling up. Snacks are flying off the counter. The music is loud. You can hear teenagers laughing, giggling, playing games, catching up. Each week is an adventure filled with excitement as you weave through the room, catching up with students you love so deeply. 

The game begins and you watch them start to let their guard down. The teenager you barely saw crack a smile this year is now raising their fists in victory as they just defeated a leader in a riveting game of Gorilla, Man, Gun. Then the worship team takes the stage and you watch students begin to pray, lift their hands in worship, or fiddle with something in their pocket.

Then we get to bring the Word. That message you spent the week preparing for is over in a matter of minutes. Those very students that were scribbling notes (or doodles) on their page are now opening up to their small group leaders or their peers. But once that’s over and the room empties, you begin to wonder if that brief hour and a half each Wednesday night is really doing anything for their spiritual growth. 

Some students go home to parents who faithfully point them to Christ. Others see student ministry as a refuge from the chaos waiting for them at home. While you can’t really know for sure, you hope and pray that their parents are engaging their teenagers throughout the week with more discipleship.

You wish that your students are not as far along spiritually as you would hope them to be and wonder what the parents are doing to equip their children to pursue faith in their world.

If a student spends an hour and a half on Wednesday and about the same on Sunday morning, that leaves 165 hours left to parents, school, sleep, and social life. Of course you deeply hope that the students are engaging the Word in their own time throughout the week.

We might be quick to blame the parents when students fall short. Why aren’t they doing more? Or what about those students who don’t come to youth group because their schedule is jam-packed with sports, travel ball, vacations, or other things? Why won’t their parents just make them come to church?

Naturally, this thought process might cause us to find ourselves annoyed with the parents of our teenagers. Frustrated that they aren’t doing more. Frustrated that they aren’t showing up. Frustrated that there seems to be a disconnect when it comes to the spiritual formation of teenagers.

My friend, be careful. Our parents are not the enemy. I am convinced that the parents of the teenagers in our ministry are an untapped resource, a wealth of abundant potential that could revolutionize the next generation of teenagers. What if we stopped seeing them as a hindrance to the discipleship of teenagers and started seeing them as a source of their spiritual formation? After all, parents are the primary source of spiritual formation. Deuteronomy 6 addresses the spiritual role of the family unit. Imagine the parents in your ministry taking this seriously: talking about Scripture as they walk with their kids, sit with them, as they rise and as they eat, as they lay down. That’s where transformation happens. 

The church exists to equip the saints. That includes the parents of your ministry. The church has an incredible and unique opportunity to partner with the family in faith formation. 

Why do we neglect the parents in our ministry?

Let’s face it. We got into student ministry because we have a passion for the next generation. Of course we want to see them own their faith, to grow in Christ, and to become an active part of the church. But, even speaking from my own experience, sometimes there is a sense of pride in the way we lead. We want students to see us as spiritual role models. We like being the hero.

Our culture has gotten to a place where we hire out the things we don’t feel capable of doing ourselves. If my kid needs help with math, I hire a math tutor. If he wants to get better at an instrument, I hire a music teacher. If he’s doing well in Little League, we hire a private coach who can help perfect the swing.

We have grown accustomed to expecting “professionals” to do the work. Therefore, parents drop their kids off at church and expect the church to train up their kids. When did parents begin believing discipleship was someone else’s job? Have churches unintentionally reinforced that idea? If so, how can we reverse it?

And the church loves it. Why? Because we are inherently prideful people. Without ever really thinking about it, we begin to measure success by attendance, events, and camps. When everything revolves around what happens at church, parents slowly become spectators instead of shepherds. 

So what can we do about it? Listen, I’m not here to bash you. This is something that I am working through in our own student ministry. Which is why I want to share this with you. I don’t claim to have it all down. But I do have a strong desire to further the spiritual formation of the students in our ministry because the next generation deserves people who care about them and their walk with Christ. 

Five Practical Ways to Equip and Engage Parents

1. Tell parents what students are learning

A few months ago, I received this text message from one of my parents: “Hey Pastor Russ. just wanted you to know that we had an incredible conversation after youth group tonight and my son put his trust in Christ. Thank you for all you do.” I was blown away! The student didn’t say a word to me at the end of the night, but that parent had a conversation based on the message that night that led their child to put their trust in Christ. That’s worth celebrating!

What if your parents were equipped with what students are learning? What if they had a resource that informed them of everything you talked about that night, including questions that drive home your message? 

This can be a weekly e-mail, a handout that goes home with the students, or prayer prompts. Not all parents are going to utilize this resource, but none of them will if you don’t put it in their hands. 

2. Sit with them at student events

Every time I go to a football game, I barely see the student from our ministry. But you know what did happen? Four quarters of really good conversations with the parent of that teen. The relationship that was built during that time was an invaluable piece to the puzzle of investing in that family. 

You may not get much face time with the student on the field or on the stage, but for the duration of the event, you have a captive audience with their parents. Just showing up means the world to the student and their parents. By coming prepared with good and honest conversations to have with the parents that leave them encouraged and cared for. The church is our turf, but the field is theirs. Showing up where they feel comfortable will show them that you want to be a part of their world, not just the student being a part of yours. 

3. Give them fun and helpful parent meetings

Parent meetings don’t have to pop up only when it’s time to fill out waivers for camp. These meetings don’t even have to be stuffy and informative. They can be fun, engaging events where kids team up with their parents to play games and enjoy friendly competition. 

You can utilize this time to have fun and connect, but also give them a place to practice conversations with other parents or their teenagers on faith matters. A simple discussion guide in the center of the table creates a place to practice faith matters in the room. 

4. Celebrate wins, no matter how small

Do you have a parent that is rocking it at home with their teenagers? Give them a platform. Whether in person or a pre-recorded video at your parent meeting, you replicate what you celebrate. If a parent is reading Scripture and seeing strides in the faith of their teenager, give them a place to share their victory so that other parents can be encouraged to do the same. Celebrate them. Thank them. Recognize them. Remind them that the Lord intentionally made them to be the parents of those teenagers and remind their students that God gave them parents intentionally.

5. Invite them into your ministry

I know, not every parent needs to be a volunteer. But maybe there’s a Wednesday night each quarter where parents are invited to sit in and be a part of the student ministry. That way they can see how things go on a typical night of student ministry. The parents can take part in the games and have conversations with your leaders. Maybe you even prepare your leaders to encourage parents on some wins in your student ministry or in the lives of their kids.

Conclusion

Next Wednesday, students will pile into your youth group again. They’ll laugh, worship, and hear the Scriptures taught. Then they’ll climb back into their parents’ vehicles. And maybe the most important ministry that happens that night won’t be the sermon you preach, but the conversations that will be had on the drive home.

Wednesday night still matters. Camp is still a huge part of what we do. Each and every game, worship night, or message still has the potential to impact the faith of teenagers. But they aren’t the finish line. Like refuel points in a race, these are important moments that help students race well. But student ministry isn’t about being the most important person in a teenager’s life. It’s about helping them encounter Jesus in a life-changing way. When we take the time to equip and encourage the parents in our ministry, we help that student with multiple positive and faithful influences. Because discipleship isn’t a weekly program. It’s a way of life. 

Questions to Consider

• When I picture the primary spiritual influence in my students' lives, who comes to mind first—me or their parents?

• Do our ministry habits reinforce what I believe about the biblical role of parents?

• How often do I intentionally communicate with parents apart from event logistics?

• What is one change I could make this semester that would strengthen parents as disciple-makers?