When Your Children Enter the Youth Group

One of the things that most of us in student ministry aren’t ready for is having our own children make the transition to the youth group. We don’t think about it, and BOOM, there it is. Suddenly, your son or daughter is staring back at you when you are speaking to the students in your ministry about sexual holiness and other issues we need to address as youth pastors. There wasn’t a class in Bible college that covered that type of awkwardness, and avoiding eye contact with your child isn’t the answer.

Awkward teaching moments are just the tip of the iceberg. Other students may not be accepting of your child. Your child may feel entitled to certain things because of your position. Or, your child may feel neglected because of the attention that you place on other students. It is a potential minefield of trouble. However, it can also be one of the greatest things that you do in your student ministry. Some of my best memories are sharing God’s Word with students, and my son and daughter being a part of that group. Watching them serve in the youth worship band and serve in the church just always filled my heart with joy.

What can we do to help with that transition? How do you make this transition a good one for your children and the other students in your youth group?

1. Pray for your child. We believe God to be powerful and capable. As we enter this transition, it is important that we bring our cares and concerns to the Father. God can and will help as we trust Him with the situation, so prayer is the supernatural solution. And, it is one that should be started early. While you might not want to admit it, praying for them regarding their transition should start as they enter their final years of elementary school. Pray for your child’s attitude. They will need a humble heart and flexibility as they take a step forward. Pray for unity as your youth group gains another student. When the new batch of “young’ns” enter the group, it is always a challenge, but when it is your child who begins their student ministry days, it can be extra challenging. Pray for yourself as you navigate the relational aspects of having your own child in the group. You don’t want to be too easy on them when discipline is necessary, but you also don’t want to be too hard on them, expecting more out of them than out of others. In addition to praying for the people and circumstances yourself, I would recommend praying with your child about the transition. Take some time to explain how the days ahead might be different and pray through their fears and anxieties.

2. Talk with your family. After talking to God about the situation, it is important to spend some time discussing it with your family. Your wife and children all need to be a part of that conversation. However, it should start with just you and your spouse. It is important to lay out some guidelines and be intentional. You won’t be able to predict all the ways that it will impact you and your family, but you can make some wise decisions as you enter this new time in your family’s life. Again, take time to discuss your child’s fears and help them understand that while your role on youth night is youth pastor, you are always their dad.

3. Discuss the transition with your lead pastor and youth volunteers. Take the time to talk to your leaders about the changes that are coming and any concerns you might have. It is important to be transparent and help your pastor know if you have any concerns. Usually, this type of transition goes off without a hitch, but trouble can creep in if we aren’t careful. 

4. While at youth group, make sure that you do your part to include your child in the group. What does that look like? That means not making exceptions to rules for them because they are your kid. But it also means honoring them as you might honor other kids. Some groups have a “Welcome to Youth Group Night” for the incoming students. Be sure that your child is involved in the same way that others are. Let them have a great youth group experience.

5. Work on providing them with an adult volunteer who can serve as their person when they don’t want to talk to you. That person could be a volunteer in the student ministry, a Sunday school teacher, or simply a faithful church member who loves your kids. Perhaps one of the most important things that we can do is to connect our students with the church body. We want these types of relationships to be organic, but sometimes we have to be the ones who go out and recruit. My daughter had a whole squad of adult women who poured into her life while we served at one of our churches. She loved these women, and they loved her. Kara Powell, as well as others, has urged us to flip the script on the adult-to-student ratio. Most would think that we need a 5-1 ratio. For every five students, you need one adult volunteer. The better way is that every student needs five adults pouring into them. Your students need that. Your child needs it as well. Do what you can to foster that environment for your congregation.

6. Don’t forget that your parental responsibilities of discipleship can’t be accomplished just on Wednesday nights (or whenever you have youth group). We often talk to the parents connected to our student ministry about their responsibilities in the area of discipleship. We can’t neglect that in our own families. An hour or two of teaching them on a Wednesday night isn’t enough. You should be pouring into their lives on a daily basis. We should embrace that D6 lifestyle.

⁴ “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. ⁵ You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. ⁶ And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. ⁷ You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. ⁸ You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. ⁹ You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates.” (Deuteronomy 6:4-9)

Both of my kids suffered through having their old man as their youth pastor. There were definitely some challenges, but I loved having that role in their lives. The biggest piece of advice I would share is for you to keep the lines of communication open. Check in with your children often and find out if they are experiencing any difficulties because of your role.

If you are trying to figure out what this looks like in your ministry and family, I would say you are on the right path. It takes intentionality to make it work. If you are interested in talking over your situation, send me an email at info@StuddentMinistryMatters.com or join the conversation at Facebook.com/groups/StudentMinistryMattersCommunity. 

Questions to Consider:

• How many years until my child enters the student ministry? Am I excited about it or concerned?

• What are some of the biggest challenges that we may face as a family with my child entering the youth group?

• Do I have a ministry colleague that I can talk to about these challenges? Find someone who has walked that road.

• What do I hope for my child to experience during his youth group days?