Leading Through Loss

Last year was a difficult one for those of us at Calvary Baptist Church of Fayetteville. We had two deacons, their wives, and our sound man all pass away. More than the roles they played at our church, we will miss the joy and life they brought to our congregation. I’m sure that you have had similar times at your church. If you are leading in ministry, it can be difficult to say goodbye to some of the most faithful people in your church. However, we know that is part of what we sign up for when we serve in churches. 

It can be challenging for those of us in leadership roles when we lose someone in our immediate circle. While I haven’t lost a spouse or child, my father passed away in 2010, right before his 62nd birthday. It wasn’t easy. We had moved beyond a simple father-son relationship to that of friends. His death was sudden and unexpected. It wrecked me and made it hard to serve. I made it through, but it was not easy. The emotions would hit at weird times. They came like waves, sometimes small and other times crashing over me.

If you are facing something similar or realize it might happen, let me share a few things that I learned along the way.

1. Lean on your relationship with God. 

To be honest, I was a little mad at God when my father passed. My son was close to his teenage years, and I needed some fatherly advice. In addition, Dad had served God and others faithfully. It just didn’t make any sense. "Why him and not others?" Initially, that made it hard to lean on my relationship with God. However, we have to realize that our God is a God who understands and invites us to His comfort. Jesus lost his father. We don’t know when, but Joseph isn’t mentioned in Jesus’ ministry years. He experienced loss, but continued to serve and lead. God is a source of strength and hope for all of us, and when we face pain, He is there for us. Don’t shut out God. 

2. Lean on the promises of God’s Word. 

God’s Word is full of passages that can bring us hope when the weight of loss bears down on us. Psalm 34:18 says, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” Isaiah 41:10 exhorts us to “fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” In Matthew 5:4, Jesus shares, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.” It is clear that God’s Word can be a source for anyone experiencing loss, but especially for the leader. Now, there is a catch. We have to know God’s Word. That means committing ourselves to study and memorize now so that when difficulty comes, we will be ready.

3. Lean on others in your immediate circle. 

God never intended for us to do life alone. We were created for community. My wife, my mother, my brother, and a close group of friends were invaluable during those months following my father’s passing. While they were all experiencing their own loss, their words of encouragement helped me work through my pain and helped me continue to serve at my church. Stories and laughter through shared memories can help ease the sorrow. And while they are helping you, you are helping them. Family and friends are wonderful. They are an incredible gift of God.

4. Lean on your spiritual family. 

One of God’s greatest gifts to the world has been the church. It is how God chooses to bless this world and you. Allow your church family to live out the one anothers during your moments of loss. They want to show you love and care. God has designed the church to pray for one another, love one another, and encourage one another. Be open with them. A caring church will give you grace as you navigate your moments of loss. They may give you extra time off or even provide someone for you to talk with. Just like our biological families, God has placed us with our spiritual families for “times such as these."

5. Lean on professionals who can help. 

My wife is a mental health therapist, but I still carried around some of the prejudices of our day. "Seeing a counselor is only for the weak." "You have to be crazy to see a counselor." Let me say that those ideas are simply wrong. If you find the right mental health therapist, your time with them can be life-changing. A year after my father’s death, I knew that I was still struggling. I decided to see a counselor, and he helped me work through my pain. Now, it is important to look for the right person as you seek counseling. Look for recommendations from people you trust and find someone who makes room for your faith.

At the end of the day, if God has called you to serve, He will provide the strength and courage that you need, even when the days are dark. God uses the difficult days of our lives to shape us as we minister to our students and others. While our story never perfectly matches up with others, our experiences help us understand the pain and loss others are experiencing. Even when it is hard, ask yourself, “What can God show me in the midst of this?”

Questions to Consider:

• When you experience personal loss, do you give yourself permission to grieve—or do you feel pressure to remain strong for everyone else?

  
  

• Are you building deep relationships with God, His Word, and trusted people now, before a season of loss makes those relationships especially necessary?

  
  

• How can you create a youth ministry culture where students and leaders feel safe expressing grief, doubt, anger, and confusion without being rushed toward easy answers?

  
  

• How has your own experience with pain and loss shaped the way you care for grieving students, families, and church members?